Insecurity. What an ugly word. And something that I have struggled with my ENTIRE and I mean ENTIRE life. When my best friend Katie told me that she had read this book and how life-changing it was for her, I knew I needed to read it. I am insecure about EVERYTHING. The way I look, the way I talk, my weight, my stretch-marks, my friendships – you name it – I am insecure about it. I have always known and admitted to being insecure but never really knew what to do about it. Like – where do I go from here? Well, Beth Moore hit the nail on the head when she wrote the book “So Long, Insecurity – you’ve been a bad friend to us”. I HIGHLY recommend that you read this book – no matter what insecurities you struggle with or how big/small they are.

Here is a definition of insecurity that she talks about in her book: “Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt – a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in this world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.”

Does this sound like you? I know the anxiety about our relationships jumped out at me immediately. I agree with Beth in the fact that I don’t have anxiety about all of my relationships, but I have enough to bother me in a few. I don’t live with a constant fear of rejection in all of my associations, but a handful of experiences have left some sizable wounds.

Beth talks about wanting to make amends when you have done something wrong and how she wants to make amends even when she HASNT done anything wrong! HELLO – ANGE HERE! Beth says she battles an inordinate desire to make peace that cannot always be others or God-centered. She dreads the backlash of people more than the backlash of God sometimes. Having someone upset at her is very unsettling even if she is on the right side of the conflict. I was reading these words and thinking – THIS IS ME! I obsess when people are upset at me and cannot stop thinking about it or talking to my husband about it. My feelings are more than hurt when someone doesn’t like me or want to be my friend. If someone does not respond to an email or text, I instantly get nervous that something is wrong or they are upset at me. If someone gives me a wrong look, or ignores me (purposefully or un-purposefully), I freak out trying to figure out what I did or said to upset them (even if I have not done anything at all!)

Here is the next part of the definition: “The insecure person also harbors UNREALISTIC expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.”

As I read this I thought…I do not want to be miserable any longer. I do not want to walk around wondering what is wrong and who is upset with me. I want to be free of that and free to (like Beth says) let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of me overtake me completely so that it drives my every emotion, reaction and relationship.

Beth gives examples of many people in the Bible that were insecure. It was amazing to see things I have never seen before in these stories. Things I never recognized that I now see in a new light. Eve, Sarai and Hagar, Leah and Rachel, Moses, Saul, the disciples, Paul – all of these and many more struggled with the same issue! I am not alone! Love this verse from Psalm 20:1 “May the Lord answer you when you are in trouble, may the God of Jacob make you secure!”

Beth gives some roots of where insecurity might have come from. I will talk about some of them pertaining to me. Some do not but I will still mention them, as they might benefit you. Instability in the Home (not applicable to me), a significant loss (I believe this for me was my loss of virginity when I was brutally raped), Rejection (OH YEAH BABY this is me – friendships and relationships all growing up), Dramatic Change (yup, me again), Personal limitations (not applicable to me), and Personal disposition (and me again – I am overly sensitive to EVERYTHING). Other things might be our culture, pride, you name it.

This next part spoke volumes to me. Insecurity can make you act like an idiot in female relationships. Sounds funny? Well, this rings SO true for me. Beth says we gnaw on a relationship like a dog gnaws on a bone! We worry a detail half to death out of insecurity, get no response, and then overcommunicate again to say “Forget I communicated all that!” There is one relationship in my life that has caused me much grief because of my own insecurity. I threw my whole being into this friendship – I believed i had found my female soul-mate basically! I had unrealistic expectations and as far as I am concerned, depended more on her and that friendship than I did my relationship with God. We talked ALL the time, were together all of the time, did everything together (sometimes to the exclusion of others – I believe unintentionally, but still) and you know what happened? God pulled the rug right out from underneath me. Things were said, trust was broken, feelings were hurt and the close relationship we had completely disintegrated. It was a MESS. She started hanging out with other people and I felt like she ignored me, and she felt the same way toward me. She was jealous of my relationships and I was jealous of hers. It was SO WEIRD. Ironically, for me, it was only this person that affected me this way. Why? I believe it was because I opened myself up to her and showed my TRUE self and loved her so unconditionally and expected the same in return. I set unrealistic expectations on her that she could never meet. Only God could meet those expectations. Thank God that this relationship has slowly but surely been being restored to a healthy place – but that is only with lots of hard work on our parts. And to this day I still struggle with my hurt feelings over it. I struggle being around her with her “new” best friends (who are friends of mine as well!) – I feel left out of private jokes, I feel picked on and teased, I feel gossiped about,  – you name it – I STILL struggle. But I am making every effort to put my feelings aside for the sake of the friendship. God has been working on me and I have started opening up again and hanging out here and there and I believe a healing is taking place for me. More often than not, it is just that good ol’ insecurity shining through and I know God will help me with this and I will eventually be set free from this HUGE insecurity in this relationship. In addition, God has placed some amazing women in my life that have been encouragers, supporters, and just faithful, wonderful friends so I have not had to trudge through this life alone.

I can think of many other times where a friend and I would disagree and I will go to the UTMOST degree to make things right – even if I didn’t do anything wrong! I will call, write, email, text, do ANYTHING to try to get back in touch with people and make things right. Knowing someone does not like me BUGS THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!! I have come to realize over the years that I am chasing friendships that God never intended for me to have! I am SO worried about what other people think about me or are saying about me that I obsess and stress over it. I freak out if someone deletes me as a friend from Facebook. CHILDISH? You betcha! I run over and over in my mind what I might have done or said or posted that was offensive and it drives me CRAZY! I have recently learned that I cannot be everyone’s friend and everyone is not going to like me or want to be my friend – and amazingly, I am okay with that. I have people who God has placed in my life that are wonderful, supportive, true friends and that is all I need.

Beth also talks about other things that Insecurity makes us do…it can turn a gifted person into competition, it weighs heavily in weight issues, it can veil our vision and blind us to how blessed we are, it can confine us, it can talk us into doing things we don’t want to do, it can make us give an entirely wrong impression, it can make us overcompensate, it can keep us from accepting compliments and far worse, from accepting love, it explodes with rejection and can twist our perceptions, it can make a fool out of you by making a liar out of you, it can turn us into posers, it can keep you from expressing yourself, it can be a relentless robber…do you recognize yourself in any of these….I sure do.

Finally, Beth talks about our power to choose. We can choose to say NO to insecurity and not allow it to plague us. God will be with us and help those of us that struggle with this issue. Psalm 29:11 says “The Lord gives his people strength, the Lord grants his people security.” How AWESOME is that?!?!

We can also help ourselves and others by doing a few key things. Beth suggests – STOP MAKING COMPARISONS, START PERSONALIZING OTHER WOMEN (instead of de-personalizing them), DONT TRIP ANOTHER WOMAN’S INSECURITY SWITCH, and BE AN EXAMPLE OF A SECURE WOMAN!!! If you know one of your friends is insecure, don’t purposely do things that you know will hurt them. Dont purposely post things on Facebook that you KNOW they will see and will hurt their feelings. Don’t ignore them at church or other gatherings. Don’t throw your other friendships in their face. And most of all, don’t act like you have no idea you are hurting them. BE SENSITIVE. If you think about what you are doing and turn it around and see things from their perspective, you might change what you are doing.

This book has literally changed my life and my perspectives on my friendships and relationships. I will always be a work-in-progress, but thank God I have His help and I know in the years ahead, my life is going to be so different and my relationships are going to be BETTER because I am becoming SECURE in WHO I AM.

Love you all and thanks for reading. The name of the book again is So Long, Insecurity – you’ve been a bad friend to us – by Beth Moore. GO READ IT!!! :)